A lesson on empathy...

The video is cute yet powerful. Sometimes we are SO ashamed of our own past, filled with regret, hurt, pain, and shame  that we are unable, or WE CHOOSE not to, connect to the regret, hurt, pain, and shame someone else might be struggling with. Why is this a problem? Because we stay at an arm's length from those who desperately need our love and support; and, whose love and support we could also reap benefits from if we'd step out and choose vulnerability. See our defense mechanisms rear their ugly heads to protect us, yet again, AND instead of leaning in to the relationship in front of us we withdraw, deny our own struggle, and "silver lining" the heck out of the other person's situation. This leaves no winners. The other person feels unsupported and unloved and we also have reclused into a protective wall that disconnects us from what we desperately need...CONNECTION. Vulnerability thrives only in authentic, open, and safe relationships. If you want to become a SAFE person you have to look at your own defenses (Where did they come from? What are they trying to protect you from? Is it detrimental to your ability to have true connections with others? And, who can help you understand and overcome these said defenses?) Remember, typically, our defenses helped us survive something. We recognize and give honor to these survival coping strategies; however, if our defense mechanisms are keeping us from having authentic, nurturing relationships, it may be time to ask ourselves some of those above questions. As well as these questions: Do I pull the silver lining card in conversations? What may be going on in my own heart and mind? How have I felt when others pulled the "silver lining" card on me in a conversation? What feelings came up? 

In substance abuse recovery, we often see that a client has grown up in an invalidating environment with one or more caregivers. So, present day, it can be triggering when someone is invalidated by someone "silver lining" a situation in a conversation. It can be re-traumatizing to be told essentially to "toughen up", "get over it", or "it's not that bad". Unfortunately, we live in a microwave society where we believe this myth that you "should hurry up and get over a loss, bad news, or some other life altering situation". This mentality simply serves to help others feel "less uncomfortable" by the situation; it doesn't have the person in need of empathy in mind at all. We can be a people filled with empathy and truly show this to those around us but we have to do our own work first. We have to hold the mirror up to ourselves and check in on what defenses we need to let go of and replace with something healthier. 

So what do you have to lose by dropping the defenses? (Nothing...except for maybe isolation, disingenuousness, and fear) I encourage you to reach out to a SAFE individual or professional today. Why wait? You're worth it. Your relationships are worth it. There IS hope.

​- Brittni